


The Tiger Emperor

by thetomasweetiesisters



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Tiger King - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Leia is our Carole, Multi, No Sex, Semi-bloody?, That fanfic where Snoke is Joe Exotic, This is pure crack, We’re just living the quarantine life, Who are obviously not into him, and Rey is an up and coming documentarian, and obviously Kylo and Hux are his husbands, average tiger king violence, maybe Hux is who knows, not the drug, what will happen when she meets Kylo Ren?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 09:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23849170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetomasweetiesisters/pseuds/thetomasweetiesisters
Summary: Rey saw a Tiger.And a Tiger saw Rey.Thus begins a saga of one young woman’s documentary gone awry—but at least Ben Solo is hot and most likely straight.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 12
Kudos: 13





	1. Day One

Rey saw a tiger. 

And the tiger saw Rey as she walked warily through the entrance of the notorious Greater Exegol Exotic Animal Park for her first day of filming. The young documentarian, of course, was expecting to see big tigers during the course of this project. 

But not one ripping out the arm of a short-haired blonde woman stuck in its cage.

"Darth Vader, you thicc bitch, get off of her! Call the paramedics, Kylo, and get my fancy jacket!" A bald man ahead wearing glitzy golden robes yelled with a twirl of his hands. 

No one was nearby to answer his call. 

Except for Rey and her camera-drone, BB-8.

"Keep rolling," Rey muttered to the round, little robot. BB-8 beeped rapidly in an annoyed tone, but inched closer to the scene. 

"For fuck's sake, Snoke Exotic," Phasma hurled through gritted teeth and yanked her arm out of the cage. The mauled limb dangled like the string of a deflated balloon. Rey pressed a fist to her mouth and swallowed down her hopes, dreams and breakfast. Phasma spat a wad of chewing tobacco on the ground and rubbed back her crew cut. "Stop wailing like that Tiger Bitch Princess Leia and just give me a couple of Spiderman bandaids. The crocodiles need feeding next."

"Well said, darling," Snoke wiped a fake tear and smacked Phasma's broad back. Blood dribbled from her bad arm. "Let's not give the Bun-ny Bitch any fodder here to close our glorious empire. One day we'll be feeding her tight ass to the tigers and not yours."

"Out of my way!" A redhead rushed past Rey armed with a pink high-power rifle and a bedazzled paramedic jacket.

The woman whispered, "Keep. fucking. filming, BB-8."

"Where's The Bitch, babe?"

Snoke Exotic twirled around, and Rey couldn't hold back a gasp at the full sight of the man. 

Smoke flowed around Snoke Exotic—whether from a natural aura or excessive drug use remained unknown. His piercing blue eyes were highlighted by mascara, eyeliner and layers of purple glitter. His shiny robes were opened far enough to reveal a poorly tattooed tiger holding a machete on his chest with the name “Kylo Ren” underneath. A handgun peeped through the top of his tiger print underwear.

But all the glamour and makeup couldn't conceal the wrinkles and deep gouges covering the man's entire body. His face, Rey thought, was the worst. He could've been a mummy brought back to life by a Las Vegas showman to perform on the stage. 

"How the hell am I single?" Rey said softly to herself.

Snoke Exotic pouted at the approaching redhead then snatched the jacket from his outstretched hands. "Hux, damn it. Where's my favorite husband?"

Hux whimpered to a halt. "What the hell, Snoke! You love my tuna melts!"

"But you aren't dark, broody and built like the damn Brawny Paper Towel Man, so step aside for Kylo Ren!"

Snoke knocked Hux down, and the rifle shot off. 

Phasma fell, gripping her leg. "I'm...fine...you... dicks." 

Snoke ignored her. "KYLOOOOOOOO!!! Where are you?! Come here, baby cakes!"

"I'm not your damn baby cakes." 

The voice spoke just behind Rey. Surprised, she turned instinctively and smacked right into the speaker's smooth, bare chest. A spaceship was tattooed over his heart. Salty sweat stung her eyes and skin as she flailed against him in waves of shock. She looked up and, through her tears, gazed upon the glorious figure of Kylo Ren. 

His wavy, black hair flowed even in the listless air as he looked down at her. His eyes were black holes of angst boring into her soul. He placed a large hand on her shoulder to steady her. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm-" Rey muttered before being dragged away from the unnaturally attractive being by Snoke. The exotic man's bony hands felt like blades digging into her arms. His face up close was even worse when he smiled. 

"You must be my director-Rey! What a great damn day to start our show! Feel free to cut out this bit," he said, waving his hand over the fallen Phasma. Blood from her leg wound and mangled arm was now trickling into Darth Vader's cage, and the big beast licked it up with a low growl. "She's fine. I'm a volunteer paramedic. I can tell. I also know magic. Amongst many skills I'll be showing you!" he said and made an exaggerated hand gesture towards a nearby tree.

One of its giant limbs fell and rolled over Phasma.

Rey's eyes widened, and she squished her face.

Hux applauded violently.

Kylo sighed and pulled out a cigarette.

Snoke shifted the butt of his loosely concealed handgun. "I know. Amazing. Come, Rey, come see my world of big cats, my lovers and haters, and all the damn drugs you want."


	2. Day One and a Half

"That woman's dead back there, right?" 

All around Rey, giant tigers leapt up in their cages, roaring and clawing at the rusty fences. Hux walked over and duct-taped several weaker parts of the chain links then batted down hundreds of paws that popped out. "Phasma? Pffft, no," he drawled and fixed his hoop nose ring. "She's still gotta feed the crocodiles."

Rey blinked. "Will that job keep her alive?"

Snoke sighed. "I'll give her a-" he reached in his tiger print underwear and pulled out a fist of coins-"a $0.72 bonus this week, too. She'll come around when she hears that. Probably blow it on twinkies, that silly bitch. God, I love her. C'mon now, Rey—you're here for me, not her! Film this for your opening!" And Snoke Exotic began running after Hux, shooting his pistol at the redhead's feet. Screams and laughter mingled together in their wake. 

"Meth?" Kylo Ren said, offering a lit pipe as he and Rey walked deeper into the more forested part of the compound.

"No," Rey replied and looked sideways at the man. Even though she was no longer blinded by tears, Rey still couldn't stare straight on at the splendor of Kylo Ren. He glimmered from head to toe in sweat, his only protection from the sun a pair of cut-off jean shorts that looked like they were meant for a Build-a-Bear. 

Miraculously, his hair remained a pristine triumph. The styling, she could now see, was a full course mullet for all the world to feast upon. When he pulled his hand through its mane-like length, glitter poured out of its luscious depths and clouded around them. 

She coughed and stepped back. "Thanks...anyway? I don't do drugs?" 

Kylo shrugged and took a drag on the pipe. "Just wait, sweetheart. You’re on the dark side now."

Rey's heart quickened at the remark—and not due to the thought of future drug use. She gulped and straightened her fluttery effing feelings out with an iron will. ' _Focus you must, qween,'_ the voice of her film-making mentor, the Great Yoda, whispered in her mind. _'Fucking tigers surrounded by, you are.'_

"So, a show?" Kylo puffed, "You sure about that? The last guy who tried filming this Shitland blew up like a firecracker in our exotic squirrel exhibit. Yo-yo-ma, that poor bastard."

"Yoda, actually. He was my film teacher in grad school. His passing inspired me to come here, finish the work. I couldn't-"

"No, no, Yo-Yo-Ma was the squirrel. Died in the explosion." Kylo shook his head. "So, that other little guy was your teacher? I always wondered how the hell his skin was green."

Rey shrugged. "He was vegan."

"Of course." Kylo Ren put a fist to his forehead then tapped his pipe.

Rey glanced the man over. Again. “So...how long have you been married to Snoke?”

”Three months,” Kylo said between making meth smoke rings.

Rey nodded. “And how long have you known him?”

”Three months. And six hours.”

”Wow. That’s. Great.”  
  


”Didn’t your teacher tell you about us?”

A vision of her mentor popped into Rey’s mind. _“New sweet ass husband, Snoke has. Gay though, honey, please.”_

”Um, well, no, not really,” Rey looked up at the sky. “He said it was...too hard to describe. And all of his film and materials exploded with him. And then his house exploded accidentally. And his car. And his Planet Fitness locker. All on the same day.” Rey paused. “He did say, though, it was better off if I didn’t know. That he was trying to protect me, but I didn’t know from what.”

Kylo Ren stopped alongside of her. “Well, that little green goblin was right about that. Stick by me, kid, I’ll keep you from blowing up.”

They both stared ahead at Hux giving Snoke a piggyback ride towards a large building. As Rey and Kylo drew closer, the half-naked man took a final draw on his pipe and shoved it into his back pocket. "Here we go," he murmured and cracked his neck.

Snoke waved at them and raised his thin ass arm at the building. 

"And here's our first stop—the gift shop!"

Rey walked around the corner of the building and froze.

The gift shop was shaped like the deformed head of Snoke Exotic. 

The door was his gaping mouth. 

A pink carpet rolled out the front door, down the porch's step and ended at their feet. 

"Shall we?" Snoke cried and sashayed towards the building.

Kylo shuddered. "Do you have hand sanitizer?"

The documentarian couldn't respond.

BB-8 flicked out a bottle.

"Thanks," Kylo said and promptly doused his chest, lathering the sanitizer into his biceps and pecs. He poured the rest of the bottle into his palm and smeared it straight down Rey's face. "Trust me. You're going to need protection," he whispered and patted her cheek. 

✨🐯✨

"Kylo Reeeen!! He's my maaaan!! Stole 'im from his bitchy mama, but hell, I'd do it again!!"

The song blared throughout the inside of the store; Rey’s other senses were similarly overwhelmed. All around her were mannequins dressed in every type of tiger print outfit one could imagine-speedos, onesies, police jackets, blazers, and more lingerie than a sex shop in Las Vegas. Neon flashing lights lit up the space. And Rey was starting to feel dizzy from the smell of marijuana. The sole other occupant of the room was the cashier, wearing a white body suit and full faced mask. He waved.

Snoke swayed along with the music. He yelled out, "This was the top song on my latest album—714 hits on Youtube and 12 thumbs up!" Snoke grabbed a CD and pushed it into her face. On the cover, the tiger legend was lounging in Kylo's arms and being fed a ding dong by Hux. All of the men were wearing thongs. Just thongs.

Rey cringed. So much pale skin. 

"You had two thumbs down, too," Kylo Ren said as Snoke tried to drag him in for a slow dance. 

The country singer pulled back and slapped Kylo's bare chest. "Boy, you know those were from that damned Princess Leia!" He pinched Kylo's cheek. "Gosh, how something so precious as you came out of that trash can of a woman is. a. miracle."

Rey looked wide-eyed at Kylo Ren. "You're Ben Solo? But the news said you were straight...and dead. You were killed in that accident at Chuck E Cheese. They removed the ball pits from all their locations because of you."

Hand on his hip, Hux sneered, "Yes, a conundrum I often think about. Why aren't you dead, Ren?"

Kylo Ren flipped his mullet with a sigh. An arc of glitter filled the air.

"Now, now," Snoke said and squeezed his pouting husband. "Everyone here has a past, Rey, and you'll film it all soon enough. Hell, Hux, you were raised in the sewers by rats!" 

Hux flicked back his shoulder, and Rey saw his nearly invisible rat tail—made of three stringy hair strands—flash brightly. "I loved them."

Snoke turned towards Rey. "And you! I can tell you're a wild sex addict. Probably been arrested in more than one public mode of transportation."

Rey fumbled then glanced between a smirking Ren and the nodding Hux. "N-no, you're wrong, I mean, I did jazz dance, bu-"

Snoke waved a hand. "Hush, there is no judgement at the Exegol Exotic Animal Park, Rey. I hire serial killers on a daily basis. In fact, here," Snoke grabbed something from a nearby box and dropped it in Rey's hands. 

It was a condom packet. With Snoke's face on it.

"Be you, girl," he whispered much too loudly.

Rey bit her lip. The taste of hand sanitizer lingered.

"Now, no matter our backgrounds, I know we all agree on this: my mother-in-law is a bitch and needs to die. And Rey, I need your help to do that. You're our only fucking hope, girl." 

Rey squashed the condom. "Sorry, what?"

Before Snoke could answer, a young African American man ran huffing into the store. 

Which Rey found all the more incredible because he had no legs below the knees. 

"Sir," he wheezed. "The reptile building's on fire."

Snoke swung a fist. "Dammit. Kylo, get me my fireman jacket."


End file.
